On the Journey

Had I always desired motherhood. With a sad heart I say, "No." There was a time in my life where all my accomplishments were me centered. I remember when Jamie was a very young, three months old I returned back to work because we had just bought a new car. Although now I can see how God's grace was evident way back then, the shame is that back then I simply couldn't see it. God had always looked after us. Although I desired career, career, career, I was still particular on who I wanted to watch my child. So "ironically" at the same I returned to work a small house came up for rent right next door to Ramiro's friend's house. His mother was the sweetest woman I had ever met and for the first two years of Jamie's life she was her caregiver and "abuelita." Mrs. Valdez and her daughter showed Jamie more love than I probably ever could have. They feed her, loved her, played with her and made her the most beautiful homemade pinata for her 1st birthday. I don't think I could have done a better job. After all, I was really only consumed with myself.
God made sure that Jamie would be loved while He worked in my life to show me what kind of person I was.
Fast forward twelve years... today everything is totally different. God's grace is still as strong as ever but with a completely different twist. I am now aware of it! He has been so merciful and gracious. In April 2004, I said, "Good-bye" to nursing and "Hello" to motherhood. The road to get there was rocky and for the first few years I didn't really know what I was doing. But now, again, by His beautiful plan unfolding, I am learning the art of motherhood. What I have learned is that it is so much more than procreating... it's molding and forming and instructing. It is work! Genuine motherhood, effective motherhood is hard work. I often jokingly say, "I am busier now than I ever was when I worked." The weariness is not just physical but mental. So much thinking goes on throughout the day. Just constantly being aware, picking up body language and being intuitive to them is tiring. But what I have learned is if I am not their influencer someone or something else is going to be. I want my arrows to fly straight when they are launched out.

Psalm 127
¹ Unless the LORD builds the house,
       its builders labor in vain.
       Unless the LORD watches over the city,
       the watchmen stand guard in vain.
 ² In vain you rise early
       and stay up late,
       toiling for food to eat—
       for he grants sleep to ^[a] those he loves.
 ³ Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
       children a reward from him.
 ⁴ Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
       are sons born in one's youth.
 ⁵ Blessed is the man
       whose quiver is full of them.
       They will not be put to shame
       when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Ramiro's favorite passage is the first, while mine is the latter. My parenting is in the middle stages. I am no longer where I once was; And I am so eternally grateful. Yet, at the very same time, there is still so, so much work to be done in this old heart of my. But what I have learned is that God is good! He may never grant me everything I want. But He has promised to change me into the very image of His Son... which is more precious than gold.
Blessings to you reader. We are never without hope. It is never to late. He timing is always perfect. And to the broken and contrite He will not despise.

Love, Patsy