Being Simon Peter

 Do you notice the resemblance? It's Simon Peter! You know, one of Jesus' chosen disciples. Sure, we could be twins! All you have to do is look real good and you can see what I see... that we are much more alike then you know.


Just what am I talking about... pride, shame, hurt, weeping, arrogance, weakness... the list goes on and on. Peter was God's chosen "Rock." But he was also God's chosen weakling. God used the very makings of Peter to show me a mirror of myself.
Rewind, April 2009, I sat with my friend, complaining as usual. I was talking about this Christian and that Christian and why don't they do things like this and why don't they do things like that? And in the middle of my rampage my sweet friend turned to me and said, "Patsy, I can tell you exactly what your problem is!" "Oh yeah", I said, "What is it?" "Your problem is pride.", she said. I said, "Well of course I'm proud, look at all that God has done in my life. Look at where I once was and look now. Look how much change he has done!"
Wrong answer!!! My reply should have been one of gratefulness and thankfulness that He had done anything at all. But for the next twelve months the Lord took me on a journey to show me my pride, to humiliate me with it, weep for site of my sin and bring me back to forgiveness and grace.
 Impulsive and boastful Peter said in Mark 14: 29, "Even if all fall away, I will not!!!" Isn't that pretty much what I was saying? No one else can endure the way I can. No one else loves you more than me! They will fall, no doubt. But not me Lord, no way! But did Peter fall? Absolutely, and he fell in front of them all. It was humiliating!
On the very night Jesus was arrested he was pretty much told by Jesus to calm down, don't make such arrogant claims, for this very night you will indeed fall away. As a matter of fact you will completely deny you ever knew me! But Peter doubted, even exclaiming I will never disown you! He didn't yet fully believe that Jesus knows the inward makings of the heart. He didn't fully know the limits of his own weakness and strength.  So Jesus was going to have to prove it to him and teach a lesson that he would learn well and never forget.
Mark 14: 66-72, Matthew 26: 69-75, Luke 22: 54-62 and John 18: 15-27 all give accounts of Peters betrayal and fall. In addition they speak about him being broken and weeping bitterly. Those are quite descriptive.  Broken, just what did he need to be broken of? His pride, his arrogance, his self-will.
 Weeping bitterly, what for? Perhaps he saw himself for what he was. A betrayer ranked among the lines of Judas. He saw his sin and ultimately what he was capable of on his on strength.
From the death of Jesus, to the resurrection, to when we finally see Jesus meet with Peter and some of the other disciples on the beach we really never hear pride from Peter again. You see Jesus, in his gentle love, restores Peter. He makes sure to make it known. "Feed my Lambs." In other words care for my very own, love them as you have loved me and as I love you. I never read Peter making a boastful claim that he loves Jesus more then the other when Jesus asks, "Do you love me more then these?" As a matter of fact he is beside himself again with wonder because he knows that fall he just had and he also knows that Jesus knows his heart better then he does. But in Jesus' gentle way He loves on Peter and brings him back to that place where he can walk in confidence with his Savior.
Is that me? Absolutely! God just took me through a humiliating season of seeing how far I can really go for Jesus. He showed me how much sin was in my heart, how much shame I bring him when I fail him and fall and most of all the lonely feeling of not having his presence with me. And I wept... I wept bitterly to see me as I was. I experienced humility once my pride was removed and I was able to call upon the name of the Lord to forgive and he did.
What did I learn? Never again will I boost that God has done more in my life or that I am more faithful than another. John 15:5 "Apart from me you can do nothing!"And that is the truth!
One other note that I was thinking of today. It will be one year this June 2nd that I suffered a miscarriage,  and as sorrowful as that loss was... it was nothing compared to the sorrow I felt for disappointing my Lord and not having His presence felt near me!
Blessings, Patsy