But everything is different this year. I'm not in that same state. As a matter of fact I feel lost. My love and passion for Christ is certainly not the same. At times I feel like I don't even know him anymore. And needless to say it has affected every area of my life. To be quite honest my relationship with Ramiro is on very shaky ground. My marriage doesn't even make sense anymore. Many times it seems like I don't even know who I am anymore. Ram and I got into a huge fight before I left to Mexico (to go "serve"). While there I thought I heard the Lord speak to me. I have heard so much lately I know I have even heard and believed lies. But while I was there I read Philippians Ch. 2
Imitating Christ's Humility
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
1that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
1and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.
That is exactly how I have been feeling lately... like nothing. I am here to serve. I have become a bit bitter in my service. It's got to be pride surfacing. I'm upset when I serve, serve , serve and get no recognition for it. How arrogant and boastful. But my heart shows itself and it is wicked. I've let it interfere with my marriage to Ram. I have become dissatisfied with him to the point I believe he may not even love me. But again it's because I am being selfish. I want a return for what I am putting in. I am not getting what I expect I should get and I am upset.
My inner most prayer, my hope... is that I really want God to make me nothing. Then I know I can learn to serve without thinking of myself. I want to really love & serve my family, friends, the mission work and especially my husband without any type of expectation. I want to get to that point so much. I want myself to get out of the way so that I can really see the Lord. He has not abandoned me or tossed me out with the trash. In fact I believe He is disciplining me. It is painful and hard but Jesus never said the road to rid myself of sin was going to be easy.
Today I just returned from Reynosa and I have already fought with Ramiro because of pride. It will kill every time. My prayer tonight is that I would not listen to all the other voices and learn to hear my Fathers voice once again.
The following are photos of our family the day before I left with the girls to Mexico. We went to Landa Park and spent time together in the midst of our struggling. Three days later Ramiro left in a different direction to go work. I am here at home again and he is gone. God is at work. I don't know why He has chosen this path for us but I pray that I learn to submit to it and trust Him.
Blessings.
They are all so beautiful together!
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